


Polyjuice and a Charming Smile

by HPFanficClub



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, M/M, Polyjuice Potion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 17:53:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29986626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HPFanficClub/pseuds/HPFanficClub
Summary: HPFanficClub's Group Write for November/December 2020Prompt;For years, Gilderoy Lockhart stewed in a home for insane wizards. He never, ever received a visitor ... until today.Group fic written in collaboration by the Harry Potter Fanfiction Club.
Kudos: 1





	Polyjuice and a Charming Smile

Severus Snape had survived the war due to what he liked to think was more than luck. He shook his head at crediting Potter with that particular miracle.

He was not sure what had driven him to step across the threshold of Madam Mimbles House of Madness, but an itch just behind his ribs on the left side told him the trip was necessary.

“Oh, hello,” said the smiling blond ex-Professor. “Did you want an autograph?”

The withering glare his question was met with caused the blonde man to recoil in fear.

Lockhart smiled at Severus, a little dazed. 

"I- I think so. Did you deliver me pizza about a year back?"

"What?" Severus raised his eyebrows. "Of course not."

Lockhart clicked his fingers. 

"OH! You're Henry, aren't you? The one from the Gobstones tourna-"

"No!" Snape snapped. 

"B... brother?" Lockhart's eyes widened. 

Snape rolled his eyes. 

"Do I look related to you, you blithering buff-"

"Hans Gruber!" Lockhart shouted. 

"Who?"

"Wait," Lockhart frowned. "That was a dream, never mind."

Snape let out a long sigh. This was not what he had come here for. 

"I don't have time for this."

"Well what bring you by?" The dazed and happy man asked curiously. 

What indeed.

“Has anyone told you anything of your life before?” Snape asked

“Yes! I’ve read all my books! I really was something, wasn’t I? I do wish I could remember, but it’s enough to read my fan mail.”

Snape exhaled sharply through his nose. “No, not about that. About Hogwarts.” He took a step closer, his dark eyes glittering as they examined Lockhart’s face. “We were colleagues, you and I.”

“Were we? I expect you came to me for advice quite a bit, then?” He smiled revealing two rows of sparkling, even teeth.

“Hardly. You were hopeless.” Snape took another step toward the other man. “But once—something happened—“ he paused and examined Lockhart’s face for the man he had once known. “After the dueling club. You truly do not remember?” Snape reached out his hand and his long, pale fingers tucked a lock of hair behind Lockhart’s ear. “You don’t remember taking ten points from Gryffindor?”

Lockhart spluttered, his face flushed at the actions of his so-called colleague. 

“I don’t remember anything. Did I sign a copy of my book for you?” 

Snape sighed and dropped his hand to his side. “Never mind, I shouldn’t have come. I just wanted to check up on you after all those years.”

“Well, I think we can talk about my book a bit more if you want.” He frowned, hating the pain in his colleague’s eyes. Wait, how can I read his face? I don’t know him…. Or did I? He pushed the door wide open, gesturing for the man to enter. "Do you want anything to eat?"

Snape brushed past Lockhart, entering the small apartment with minimal decoration. He couldn't stop the quip from being muttered under his breath 

"Yeah... Are you an option?"

“Pardon?” Lockhart said.

Snape cleared his throat and drawled.

“I asked what are the options?”

“Oh wonderful!” said Lockhart as he excitedly started to list out the different options.

Snape gets lost in his own thoughts.

Sigh, he doesn’t remember any of it. That infernal Weasley boy breaking his wand and it backfiring. Sweet Salazar, I swear that Weasley, Longbottom, and Finnegan are a menace to wizarding society.

I miss the shared glances. The inside jokes. ESPECIALLY that night when we….

“Did you hear me, Severus?” Lockhart interrupts Severus's thoughts with a concerned expression on his face.

“Yes yes yes. I’ll have whatever you’re having.” He says and he waves him off.

Just my luck. I guess I’ll have to remind him….

Severus smirks as he settles into a hideously ornate wingback chair.

In hindsight, he should not have ceded control of his meal options to a man not fully in control of his mental faculties.

He poked at the brownish lump of... something... which was attempting to pass as meat. A pale, tasteless mash of what might have been either cauliflower or potatoes -- Merlin only knew -- had been slapped on the side of the plate in a heap, along with a few limp, soggy carrots. It all smelled vaguely of socks.

At least the jailors here at Madam Mimbles had thought to serve their slop with a tiny juice box and a sad little bowl of green jelly. He could hardly contain himself for his excitement.

Gilderoy was unfazed, digging into his own plate of grey matter with the same enthusiasm he approached near everything with. Severus reminded himself, for the millionth time that day, that he was here for a very good reason.

After a few moments of silent contemplation, interrupted only by the soft slurping noises coming from the man opposite, Severus cleared his throat. Lockhart looked up in surprise, as though he’d forgotten he had a guest.

He probably did, thought Severus glumly, before speaking aloud.

‘Gilderoy,’ he continued, ‘I’ve come for a reason today. I need to share some significant news with you.’

The blonde man blinked at him slowly.

‘Sorry, and you are?’

Severus sighed, shaking his head, and picked up his jelly instead. 

Maybe a few more minutes before I tell him...

“When we were colleagues together at Hogwarts, I taught a subject called Potions.”

“Ooh! Yes, I order a lot of expensive hair care potions. I know all about those.” He took another bite and slurped appreciatively. “One good thing about having best selling books is that I’m positively rolling in those gold coins, what are they called again? They’re very shiny. I quite like them.”

Severus put his fork down on the table and counted to three in his head before he continued. “No, Gilderoy. Not for your hair.” He spat the last word out as if it were poison.

“You should look into them. It’d do wonders for your, ah, do you call that hair?”

“Gilderoy,” he bit out. “I’ve been working on a potion that can restore your memory. There is just one complication…”

"What's the complication?" the older man replied.

"Well Gilderoy, it's about your books" the potions master began, when Lockhart nodded eagerly, Severus took a deep breath and continued.

"You see Gilderoy, you didn't actually do any of the things that you wrote about. You simply stole the stories from the people who did and obliviated them afterwards. Now, the only thing that is stopping those people from suing you for everything you have, is the fact that you don't remember anything. So if you were to take the potion and regain all your memories..." Severus trailed off as he realised that the cocky imbecile had fainted, dead away.

The healers told Snape to come back later, that Gilderoy needed some rest. 

Snape left Madam Mimbles House of Madness and started walking around London, his head filled with thoughts about the men currently sleeping in the home for insane wizards. Would it be worth it? If he gave Gilderoy the potion, the currently so stressless man would have to go through lawsuits and negative press attention. Would that better Gilderoys life? 

But what if he could be there for Gilderoy, what if he could help him? 

Snape had a hard time figuring out what he would want his own life to look like. How could he be the one to make this choice for another man?

The dense, sweet scent of decay and borderline spoiled food was still lingering in Severus’ nostrils when he arrived at his office. He now had more questions than answers and, on top of that, he was feeling dizzy. Still, he knew it had nothing to do with the distressing atmosphere at Madam Mimbles’.

Most of the time, he was able to freeze his intrusive thoughts before they transformed into mundane worries, but now he was helplessly witnessing how they began to pile up in his mind. Moreover, he had a familiar and unsettling sense of derealization, just as if his memories had been dreamed.

Without even taking off his cloak, he crossed the room and opened his most hidden cabinet, behind the shelf where he stored his poisons (oh, the irony), and stared at the collection of silvery flasks. He was about to grab his wand when a particularly ornamented recipient caught his attention. After all, it seemed that he could discern what was a memory and what was a dream.

Severus reached out to touch the gaudy thing, wondering at its unusual presence within his most sacred space. The lid opened as if by magic at his touch, and he heard... voices? A memory.

"You disgust me," his own voice echoed across the room. He had said that phrase many a time over the years; he wasn't certain what made this time special.

"I'm quite sorry to hear that," Gilderoy's voice purred at him, arrogance laced through every syllable. "And here I thought you might want to be partners. With my charms and your truth potions, we could live like kings!"

Severus heard himself scoff.

"Why would I need to steal credit for others' accomplishments, when I've accomplished much on my own?"

"What, those potions journals? This manky old dungeon? Please, Severus. We both know you are capable of so much more than this," he countered, and Severus seethed. "Don't you want fame? Glory? Recognition for your talents?"

"You are barking up the wrong tree." His voice was low, dangerous: there was a promise of pain behind it. 

Gilderoy clucked his tongue at him.

"You'll regret this, you know."

There was an odd rushing sound, wind whispering through the trees.

"Figured me out, eh?" Gilderoy said, a sardonic smile clear in his voice. "You'd be the only one who has."

"Quite the act, fooling every healer in the ward," Severus heard himself reply, and his stomach dropped. No, it couldn't be... "But I suppose it's worth it to dodge all those lawsuits, hm?

"Well, it's difficult to sue a madman, you know. Can't get a straight answer out of him." His tone was cheerfully mocking; Severus hated it. "It would absolutely destroy my image, too. I've worked too damn hard for it to all be ripped away from me now. Appearances are everything."

"Pity it all ends today."

"Yes," Gilderoy agreed, something dark and dangerous creeping into his voice. "It does... Obliviate!"

The vessel shattered, and Severus felt everything come rushing back to him at once.

Snape sighed. When he'd gone to visit Gilderoy today, he had held a small hope that perhaps what they'd had could be rekindled after Lockhart took his potion. The memory he had just heard and now remembered showed that the man was only concerned with his reputation. That combined with what he knew of Gilderoy meant there.was little chance of romance in their future. But what was he going to do about being Obliviated? He couldn't let it stand. Lockhart had to know he would get revenge if he ever found out.

Reaching into his cloak and pulling out a spare bit of Slytherin green construction parchment and a red crayon, Snape wrote in bold, italicized comic sans:

'LOCKHART, I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART AND WANT TO JUMP YOUR SEXY SEXY BONES BUT I SWEAR TO MERLIN IF YOU CROSS ME I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE! love, Severus xx' 

And with a satisfied smirk, knowing he had done his very best job, he skipped delightedly off to nail his declaration of love and warning to Gilderoy's chest, so that the other man would never forget it.

Once again, Severus found himself at Lockhart’s door. It was already past midnight so the grounds were empty. Perfect, this is going according to plan, he thought to himself— He knew that he’ll get in major trouble if someone were to catch him breaking into Madam Mimbles’ House of Madness. And Salazar forbids that he gets mistaken for one of Lockhart’s crazed fans.

Snape shook his head and turned his attention back to the task. He still needed to nail this declaration to his lover’s chest. The first step to this plan of his was to get into the house.

“Alohomora,” Snape whispered, pointing his wand at the door knob. He didn't think that it would work, but he still figured to give it a shot anyways. And unfortunately, he was right; the door didn't budge from the unlocking charm, which only left Severus one other choice for getting inside….

The window.

Severus walked to the side of the building and found several windows leading to the common room. The room was currently dark and he was unable to determine if anything was placed directly on the other side of the window he was at. Carefully he tried to open it, but found that it was either locked or otherwise stuck in place. He moved on to the next window. He planted his feet firmly on the ground in order to push the window up and open. He pushed… and slipped on the grass, banging his head against the glass hard. Leaning against the wall, Severus blinked several times trying to dispel the stars dancing in front of his eyes. He knew that there was going to be a bruise there tomorrow and made a mental note to get the Bruise Cream ready before he went to bed. After five minutes of gathering his wits and making sure no one heard the noise he made, he headed to the third and final window of the common room. It took him a few minutes to get his fingers under the window, but he could feel it move so it had to work. With effort Severus managed to get the window open and he pinned it in place.

The window reached to about Severus’ stomach. While not incredibly high, he would have to work himself through the narrow gap the window provided and not topple head forward onto the ground. He carefully put his head through the window and pushed himself up. Legs still outside, providing counterweight so he wouldn’t topple forward. Severus had made sure he was all the way on the left side of the window, to make sure he had room to swing his right leg in. First his leg went in to the knee and he sat on the window the way Severus used to see girls on the bars back in primary school. He carefully grabbed the side of the window and shifted his weight so that he could stretch his leg. Then he moved all the way to the other side of the window and swung his left leg inside. He landed on the floor and quickly crouched down to hide from any view.

Step one: success!

Severus crawled quietly on all four between the furniture, wrinkling his nose at the musty stench of the carpet. Perhaps this wasn't his most dignified hour, but in the face of true love dignity was a small price to pay. Gilderoy, light of his life, burning itch in his loins, deserved nothing but his very best efforts. Severus would gladly crawl through yards and yards of dirty carpet for that sweet megalomaniac.

Taking a turn around a sofa, he noticed that the musty smell was joined by... was this fruit cake? He groped around blindly and his hand encountered something moist and spongy. He lifted it up to his nose and sniffed. Perfect! Blueberry had always been Gilderoy's favourite fruit cake flavour. Fate was clearly on his side, the stars had aligned to finally unite Hogwarts' best teachers in a lifelong union. 

Clutching the note in one hand and the cake in the other, Severus made his way out of the living room and into the hallway. He hesitated in front of Gilderoy's door for a moment, but steeled himself. After all, he'd armed himself with thoughtful offerings that would ensure his success. Mere minutes from now, Gildy will be taking Severus in his embrace, their mouths full of fate's blueberry fruitcake.

But when Snape opened Gilderoy’s door he was taken by surprise. Snape looked in every corner of the bedroom, but Gilderoy was nowhere to be found. He went into the bathroom and checked all nearby common rooms but he couldn’t find his man. He thought about asking a healer, but he had no excuse at all to be in Madam Mimbles’ House of Madness, especially at this time of the day. 

Snape’s heartbeat started fastening and his hands started shaking. Where could Gilderoy have gone? Not far, he really was not capable of that. He would get lost the moment he left this building. 

Then the thought of someone taking Gilderoy came into Snapes mind. His vision started blurring and his feet started tingling. Snape knew he needed some air. Luckily the doors opened from the inside so that he didn’t need to get through the window again. When he got outside he sat down with his back against Madam Mimbles’ House of Madness. 

He tried calming himself down by breathing in deeply and remembered the exercise his mind healer had given him for panic situations like these. Name one thing he could smell. Even though Snape knew he had an extremely big nose he didn’t smell a thing, just.. air… One thing he could feel.

He felt his nail digging in the inside of his palms. He immediately opened his hands and looked at them. He really should cut those nails. Even if Gilderoy wanted him, he would not when his nails looked like that. Then one thing he could hear, he could hear footsteps coming. When he looked up he could answer the last question, one thing he could see. 

“Snape, what are you doing here?” A tall, handsome man asked him. 

“I could ask you the same Remus.” Snape answered.

Remus looked down at Snape sitting against the outside of Miss Mimbles with what looked like a fruitcake in one hand and some parchment crushed in the other. He looked distressed but not quite as much as when he'd been walking towards him. 

"A truth for a truth?" he asked.

"Fine." Severus let out a sigh. "You first."

"I was on my way to a bar."

"Why did you just blush saying that?"

"Argh, fine! It's a local gay bar I go to sometimes. So why are you sitting here at this time of night?"

"I was looking for Lockhart but he was missing from his room. We have some unfinished business."

Remus tamped down his jealousy. He'd heard through the Hogwarts grapevine when he taught Defense that the pair had been an item and that they were exceptionally bad at hiding it. Snape being here at this time of night probably meant they'd gotten back together.

"When did you last see him?"

"I was here earlier this afternoon, but he fainted and the medical staff rushed me out."

"Perhaps he's at St Mungos?"

"That's a possibility I hadn't considered. It's too late for visiting hours now. I suppose I'll go home."

"You're welcome to join me at the club. First drink is on me."

"Hmm. I've got nothing pressing at the moment. Why not?"

"You might want to ditch the fruitcake."

Snape had hoped that a few shots of fire whisky would get his mind of Gilderoy, but it didn’t. While he was sitting at the bar, feeling a bit miserable from the panic mixed with alcohol, he watched Lupin. 

The alcohol had hit that man completely different. While Lupin had entered the bar in his classic cardigan, he was now only wearing his tie, well on top of his trousers. He also had lost his shoes halfway on the dancefloor. Snape saw multiple men looking at Lupin longingly. Snape himself had never looked at him in that way. He had always seen him as James’ friend, even years after James had died. But for the past few years, Snape started to like Lupin. Like might be a strong word, but at least he didn’t feel the hate anymore that he had felt when Lupin started working at Hogwarts. 

Then Snape felt a hand on his shoulder. 

“Would you like another shot?” A man in a leather jacket asked him with a flirty smile. It took Snape less than a minute to leave the bar. He wasn’t there to meet some new man. He needed to find his own. He needed to find Gilderoy.

“Now hold on, wait, hold on a second!! I didn’t scare you that bad did I?” 

Severus Snape was not a patient man to begin with, but he suddenly found his fuse immediately run short. He recognized the low timbre of the man who had offered him yet another drink, and even without the familiar sound of his voice, the heavy scent of Axe Body Spray was unmistakable. As if the stench wasn’t foul enough on half of his hormonal, teenage, muggle-born students; he couldn’t fathom why a grown man would drown himself in the stuff. Snape whipped around with an insult ready on his tongue, only to be shell-shocked by the sight before him.

“It’s YOU!!”

"HOLY SHIT! HOW DID YOU NOT KNOW?!" Screamed Dumbledore. "Have you never SMELLED ME?!" He slapped his knee so hard with laughter and Snape face palmed himself into an eternity.

He really should have known.

"Ugh. I'm sorry, Dumbles, I really should have known." Snape sighed sadly, running his hand through his greasy hair, Merlin how he hated shampoo. "Especially after that summer we spent in the Forbidden Forest together, doing the most forbidden things to each other known to human or wizard kind. I really should have remembered how horrible you smell, like, for real, bro, I love you with my whole soul, almost as much as I love Lily, almost as much as I love Gildy, but your smell is noxious and could take out a whole dungeon full of trolls."

"Harrumph." Dumbledore harrumphed, though he knew deep down that Snape was right, Axe smelled atrocious, and so did he, because he bathed in it. But he couldn't help it. If he stopped everyone would know the truth, that he had been secretly decomposing for seven decades, because he was just too old but his body refused to quit because he was 2 legit, 2 legit 2 quit. So he had to disguise the smell by bathing in Axe body spray, like the absolute WORST kind of Muggle. Ugh. He hated himself for it. 

"Severus," Dumbledore said with a soft, super elderly sigh, "I'm afraid I have a terrible, terrible life altering - no, life ruining secret to tell you..."

'Damn it.' Thought Snape. 'What now? I just want to get laid.'

Truly, his secret ex-lover was worse than shampoo.

Dumbledore just kept looking at Severus, not actually saying whatever secret he had.  
"Well?!" Severus snapped. "Spit it out! It's not like we have all the time in the world!"  
"Are you sure you want to know? Like I said, it is life ruining. Well, I don't think it's life ruining for me necessarily, I didn't have many problems with it, but I think it will hit you hard."

'Of course, nothing would hurt the great, big Albus Dumbledore,' Severus thought, 'it's always me. I'm always the one who gets hurt. Well fuck you too universe, I don't like you either!'

"Yes, Albus, I would very much like to know, because I want this conversation to be over with."

Albus looked deep into Severus' eyes, and only the knowledge that Severus was an excellent Occlumens stopped him from using legilimency to read Severus' thoughts on the matter.

"I just killed Gilderoy," Albus confessed.

Severus fell to his knees. The world span around him in a dark spiral, Dumbledore's face a point of evil at the centre of it. Even the potent smell of Axe body spray receded from his consciousness. All was all over. A light had gone out from the world tonight. A beautiful, ego-maniacal light, with great teeth and shiny blond hair. 

"You bastard!" Severus shouted and slammed his fists against the floor. "You twisted old man! You're a wart on the face of the world!"

Severus grabbed his hair in fists and started pulling whole chunks out. Nothing would ever be the same. He thought of all the kisses him and Gilderoy would never have, all the fruitcakes they'd never share, all the students they'd never disappoint. His heart would surely, imminently break.

"Calm your tits mate, I was just kidding," Dumbledore said and turned to the bar. "Another sex on the beach please! And make sure to add some extra peach schnapps." 

The headmaster picked up his drink and slurped the remainder loudly through a straw.

Severus stood up and blinked away the tears that had started to form. He stared at Dumbledore in disbelief. Anger ripped through him as he lunged forwards and seized Dumbledore's robes.

"CALM MY TITS?! CALM MY TITS?!" yelled Severus.

"How dare you joke about killing my love like that! It is not funny Albus! I am a mess, can't you see?!", cried Severus as he released his grip on Dumbledore's robes and instead started weeping on his shoulder.

Dumbledore stopped mid-slurp and awkwardly patted Severus' head. Merlin's beard, can't this man take a joke?

Sighing heavily, Dumbledore decided enough was enough. He was going to solve whatever problem Severus was facing and then he was going to boogey the night away. Just like he planned.

"Severus, what's wrong? I can fix anything, I am the greatest wizard of all time, after all", said Dumbledore.

Severus sniffled and answered weakly, "It's-it's Gilderoy. He's missing!"

Before Dumbledore could answer, the sudden change in music caught his attention.

Was the DJ playing ABBA?! thought Dumbledore.

Dumbledore threw Severus off him and raced to join Remus on the dance floor. Ain't nobody gonna stop Albus from getting his groove on to ABBA.

Severus stumbled back, but instead of landing on the floor, he fell back into the arms of the short, plump man who also shared his passion for potions...

“Severus, my boy! It’s been too long!”

It appeared that Severus was clutched tightly in the arms of none other than Horace Slughorn, who was clothed in a scandalously small red and green number that was… Salazar, is he dressed as a Christmas elf?!?!

Severus quickly extracted himself from Horace’s grip—a feat that took more effort than it should have, as his grip continued to tighten the more Severus attempted to escape—and stared blankly at his former colleague.

“Horace…I didn’t realize you were also...erm...you were also...“

“Gay?? Hardly, Severus, I can’t be bothered to just limit myself to the wonderfully decadent encounters of partaking in—”

“HORACE!!”

Slughorn chortled at the interruption. “Oh lighten up my dear boy, we’re all here for the same reasons, are we not?” He allowed his eyes to lewdly wander up and down Severus’ form before loudly exclaiming “MORE SHOTS IT IS!!,” grabbing Severus’ hand in his own and skipping towards the bar.

“Horace really, I don’t have the time to have a bloody drink at the…bar??? ” He stopped for a moment to try and remember when he had re-entered the establishment before a sudden realization dawned on him.

“GILDEROY???”

The relief Snape felt from seeing his man, alive, in the gay bar went fast when he saw what Gilderoy was doing. He was kissing. Snape needed to blink a couple of times before fully realizing that his man was kissing Remus Lupin. Only an hour ago Snape was thinking about not hating Lupin, but this view made him fill with rage. He pushed Slughorn aside and grabbed Lupin's tie to drag him over the dance floor. 

“What the hell are you doing with my man?!” Snape yelled. Snape wasn’t one to throw punches so he gave Lupin a moment to defend himself. 

“I was just making you jealous!” Lupin said with lust in his eyes. Lupin looked proudly at Snape's hand around his tie. “Looked like it worked too,” he said. 

Snape let go of Lupin's tie, confused by everything that was happening. With a feeling of déjà vu, he walked out the bar to get some air. What the hell was happening tonight? He thought while glancing a quick look at Slughorn and Dumbledore twerking against each other on this obnoxious ABBA song.

Snape ran his hand through his messed-up hair, frustrated at how this night was turning out. He started off the night just wanting to pin a note onto his beau’s chest, but it had escalated to something else completely. In fact, it seemed as though his beau had forgotten him completely—after all, he was busy snogging Lupin against the bar earlier.

I’ll show him… He’ll never forget me if I can help it. Snape thought, grinding his teeth together. 

Suddenly, all fight seemed to leave him and he slumped against the building. He explicitly remembered being in this position for many years and he was terrified of going back to the sinking feeling. Lily, he said. Curse the Marauders for stealing everything from me…. And for being so… pleasing… to the eye…. 

Snape’s eyes widened, shocked by his confused train of thought. I need to get out of here before-

“Hey sexyyyy, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”

Speak of the devil.

Snape turned slowly towards the voice that he'd hoped never to hear again. He tried to ignore the way his heart stuttered as he took in the sight of Sirius Black, dressed in lace and leather, looking far from dead, grinning at him like the cat that got the cream.

Snape summoned his coldest expression and said, "My, my. Has even the Devil lost patience with your ignorant antics and kicked you out of Hell? Do find someone else to bother. I never had the time for your nonsense when you were alive. I certainly don't have time for it now."

Sirius laughed, a dark sound that did dirty things to Snape's insides. "The rumors of my death are grossly exaggerated."

"Pity."

Sirius closed the space between them and tucked a lock of Snape's hair behind his ear. "If you were half as smart as you think you are, you'd have realized that all of my nonsense was a ploy to get your attention."

Snape gulped. Was Sirius being...serious? "You appear to have it now."

But then Snape noticed that Sirius had taken one of his hairs and tried to put it away in his pocket. Snape, who had made lots of Polyjuice potions in his life, immediately understood what was happening. This man was not Sirius, but he didn’t know who this man was either. 

Snape thought it would probably be safest if he didn’t let the man know that he knew of his secret, but then both Lupin and Gilderoy walked out of the gay bar together. Gilderoy looked weird. Maybe it was because of the fact that he probably didn’t remember any of the men in this scene or because he probably had drunk too much alcohol. Remus, his eyes were in complete shock, which is reasonable since his dead best friend was standing in front of him. Well at least someone that looked like him. 

Then Snape saw Lupin’s eyes turn into confusion. It took Snape a few seconds to understand that the man who looked like Sirius was starting to look like someone else.

The man was changing into Kingsley Shacklebolt?

”What's happening?!” asked Lupin with a trembling voice. 

This night was getting bizarre, to say the least. Before all this madness he was planning on getting a drink and maybe find a handsome someone he could take home, but when he saw Severus climbing up on the window of the madhouse everything changed. He has always had a crush on him, ever since Hogwarts. 

”I have no idea, you were the one who dragged me here” answered Snape while giving Kingsley a judgemental look.

”Don’t look at me like that!” hissed Shacklebolt ”I’m here on a ministry business” 

”On a gay bar?” 

”Looking just like Sirius?” 

”It’s classified” answered the Auror arranging his clothes looking around the bar, trying to hide from curious looks, but he almost faint when he saw Dumbledore and Lockhart dancing on a table shouting to the top of their lungs ”Waterloo, promise to love you forevermore”. 

What kind of freak show did he walk into? 

”So are we to understand your ”classified mission” requires you to go around looking like a dead man and flirting?” questioned Severus. 

”You know I can't talk about it, handsome,” he said with a deadly smile on his face. ”But, if you must know, the flirting was genuine”

He rolled his eyes, everyone was acting so weird tonight he was about to snap ”Look, I know is Ministry related, but you made it my business when you took my hair for your polyjuice”

”Are you going around taking everybody's hair?”

”Only the ones Hogwarts related” 

”Why?” they asked at the same time, and he risked a glance at Remus, he looked sweaty and amazingly delicious. 

”I told you already, it's classified” he was getting annoyed by the handsome men in front of him ”I can only say it has to do with a certain noseless Dark Lord.”

"So what? You're trying to pick up Death Eaters? In a gay bar? And a muggle one to boot," Remus asked disbelievingly.

"And here I was thinking the Ministry couldn't get any more stupid," Severus muttered, turning towards the bar to order a strong whiskey.

Kingsley looked incredibly uncomfortable under Remus' line of questioning.

"You've got to be kidding me," Remus sighed. 

"You can't tell anyone," Kingsley urgently whispered to the both of them. "This is a highly classified mission and no one except me and my superior is supposed to know about it."  
Remus and Severus glanced at each other. 

"And who would believe us? No one would believe the Ministry has sunk this low," Severus sneered.  
He grabbed his whiskey and drank it all in one fell swoop, before ordering a new one. This night was going terribly and he had a feeling it was nowhere close to done. If he were to survive it, he was going to need a lot more alcohol in his system.

“Can we help with this mission?” Lockhart said. “After all, I am the smartest wizard out of all of us and I have Witch Weekly’s Most-Charming-Smile award. I would be great!”

All three other men were confused at this statement. Snape had almost forgotten about the fact that Lockhart had regained his memory and Shacklebolt and Lupin probably hadn’t even heard about that. 

Snape explained the situation and Shacklebolt took this opportunity to divide the labor for tonight. 

“Okay, all three of you can help if you want,” he said. “We are looking for one man in particular. His name is Amycus Carrow and we have reasons to believe that he is here trying to flirt with men. He will probably have taken polyjuice potion to look like someone else. Probably someone related to Hogwarts. Look for any strange behavior. Does everyone get the mission?” 

All three men nodded and started looking for the death eater.

As the men searched, Severus had the feeling something was amiss. Not from Horace, or even Gilderoy—he had seen stranger things from both men, and certainly felt stranger things from Gilderoy himself. But as he attempted to review the evening’s events he realized that the more he attempted to focus on the memories, the more distracted he became. 

Wait a moment...

He turned towards Gilderoy, who flashed his standard mega-watt smile, and rather uncharacteristically tucked a lock of Severus’ hair behind his ear. “Figured it out then, have you?”

Severus’ vision quickly started spinning, and he reached over to grasp onto Gilderoy’s arm only to watch it vanish before his eyes. Dear Salazar, how did I not realize until now...

“OH SEEEVERUUUUSS”

His vision started to blur even further, becoming black around the edges until all he could hear was Albus’ voice screaming out his name. 

“SEEEEVERUUUUUUUS”  
But even Albus’ cheery tone began to fade, and as Severus collapsed to the ground, he felt the shock of the hard concrete suddenly jolt him...awake???

Severus opened his eyes, and took in the scene around him. After blinking away the black spots in his vision, he noticed the caring, gentle way his body was wrapped in clean white linens, tucked into a small cot in none other than Madam Mimbles. 

“You gave us quite a fright there, Severus, nearly took 3 healers to sedate you, you know. You’ve been out for days”

Severus glanced up into the face of Albus Dumbledore, all traces of the formidably potent axe body spray now gone. “Has...has this all been in my head, then? Is that it? None of this was real?”

Albus smiled, a knowing, familiar twinkle in his blue eyes. “Of course it is happening inside your head, Severus, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”


End file.
